Today is the start of a new year and today is also the day in which I decided to block your number. Honestly I wish I could say I would’ve done it sooner especially with all of the shit I talked about you on this blog, to my friends, online, to your face, etc. I didn’t have the courage before but today felt right. For the first time in a very long time it felt like an opportunity to start over again and to give myself the chance of having a whole 365 days worth of loving myself and of not allowing you to just randomly ruin my day when you decide that you randomly miss me. Or you’re just bored.
Shit! If only my therapist could see me now. I remember when she suggested that I blocked and deleted you from all of my social media and I just looked at her with these eyes of disbelief like — do you really think I can do something like that? Do you really think I will block all access that he has to contact me and I’m going to miss out an opportunity to see him? Do you really think I’m going to take his power away to be able to fuck up my life in a 30 minute phone call? Or a “hey have you been” text? Or even his classic “hey babe I miss you”???? She would be SO PROUD OF ME TODAY.
It’s been a whole three years since I’ve been letting you have a free pass in-and-out of my life without any disregard of how it affects me emotionally. I have let you come in and out as you please just for the simple fact that I have never known another love like the one I knew with you. When I was with you, it felt like true love and if felt like something that I could possibly never get anywhere else but now that I have had some time without you and I have been avoiding you, it starts to feel like perhaps this is the perfect opportunity to let go of some three-year-old baggage. I am holding myself to a higher standard from this point on. I am no longer looking for you in order to validate who I am as a lover, as a person or looking for your validation see if I am someone who is worthy of true genuine love. Every time I’ve tried to write your goodbye letters I have started them and I have never finish them because I always end up crying midway through typing. I don’t want to call this a goodbye letter because I know that if I do it’ll all seem too real and I won’t be able to finish it. I’ll simply call this a “I was being brave and it feels like maybe I could start to live without you” letter.
This whole last three years I would always stop myself from deleting all of your numbers or from blocking you because I thought that then you wouldn’t have a way to get to me to confess your dying love, to come and call me at 3 AM when you’re drunk but now that I’ve let all this time pass and all you’ve done is text when it’s convenient for you so you can have some of me, I have realized that there is no undying love on your part. There is simply a desire for my attention in which you feel the need to be loved and I need to be catered for. You need to feel all of my emotions and the way in which I expose myself. I am only a pastime to you, something to do when there’s nothing else to do or somebody who you know will always be there to love you no matter what you have done. Someone who connects with you emotionally, physically and spiritually but I am taking my love away from you now. I know I’ve said this before but today is Monday, today is January 1st and today feels like a good day to let you go.
I could never tell you to your face that I’m leaving and that I’m blocking your number because giving you an explanation would be giving you an opportunity to convince me to stay right there on the bench of your heart. It’s time for me to go and it’s time to make myself a priority. I can’t say that I don’t love you anymore because I think in a way I always will, but as much as I love you this is the perfect opportunity to see if I can live 365 days without you. By this time next year if it’s all too hard and I can’t handle it then I’ll put my head down decide to come back to you for another round of hurt. But today, I’m blocking and deleting your number. I’m cleansing myself of you and I’m taking my safety net away. No contact, no communication. It was always easier for you anyway. 2018 if the year I start loving myself.
If you find this letter, block me back.