You guys! Today for the first time in I don’t know how long I have felt a sense of power. Today is the first time in this “dick cleanse” where I feel like I am actually in control of my emotions. I feel happy, I feel brave, I feel excited at the fact that today I woke up and there was no pain, no fear, and most of all there was nobody that was emotionally stressing me out. For the firs time in a long, long time I am not worried about where my man’s at, if I’m not getting a good morning text, if I’m gonna see my boo’s name pop up on a random person’s likes. Oh god! What a feeling.I don’t know how long this feeling will last but after having a week worth of emotional stress and serious withdrawal symptoms from a bunch of toxic temporary relationships I realize and I am starting to believe that maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe there is hope.
It’s kind of weird you know? To think that one day I will be so comfortable with the fact of being alone that I might actually not ever want anybody. I mean is that what happens? Do we really become so comfortable with being alone that we don’t even crave the presence of another human being in our life? I’m not sure I have the answer for that yet — or not even that I truly feel like I don’t want to fulfill my role as a partner in somebody else’s life or that I’ll never want a partner who is there for me emotionally physically and sexually but for now, I can’t say that it’s the first time in a very long time where I have actually found power in my vulnerabilities. I think I’m starting to feel loved, validated and worthy while being alone.
I know it seems strange and almost unreal to feel this much relief but if you’re reading this and you’re thinking to yourself that there’s no way you could ever feel this much peace without being next to somebody or belonging to somebody as a girlfriend, a boyfriend or as a partner just know that there is also a light at the end of your tunnel. Don’t get me wrong, I have spent days crying, feeling emotional and physical pain, and I have also felt an immense amount of fear at the fact that I might end up alone. But these are things that you must endure and go through in order to come out the fearless powerful person you know you have to be. Not being in a relationship and not being a partner to somebody does not mean you will forever be alone. It just simply means that you’re learning to be in a relationship with yourself and as long as nothing happens organically in your life I think it’s OK to make this relationship the best thing we have ever had while we become one with somebody else. The process is not easy, let alone enjoyable. It’s hard and it’s filled with more fear than with powerful or blissful moments but if you’re brave enough to endure this pain, then you will come out stronger than you went in. And sometimes being brave means laying on the ground while you wait for your tears to dry and the storm to pass. And that’s ok.
I really wish this peace and this power and this overwhelming energy and love on all of you reading this and also on myself for the days where I’m not feeling strong and powerful in my loneliness.
Thank you guys so much for reading and for keeping pieces of my heart that I so blindly share with all of you. I hope you all find what you’re looking for but most of all I hope all of you find the peace of mind and solitude that comes with owning yourself. May we always remember — even in our worse days that we are not alone.
Have a beautiful day and lávense la cola!