Breaking up with my last person (the one i wrote about in my last entry) inspired “A Cleanse.” A dick cleanse to be exact. It’s 8:25 pm on a Tuesday and I’m a week and some change into my dick cleanse. I swear to G I’m like an addict and it’s not even the sex, let alone the dick. It’s the contact and the relationship aspect i fiend for the most.
Some days, some hours, some moments are tougher than others but i wonder if this feeling is the one I’ve tried to patch up by consistently having someone in my life through all these years.
It’s indescribable really. Like, it’s painful enough to bug me and annoy me but not painful enough to cry. I mean it kinda feels like a hole in my heart. Like there’s something missing but i don’t know what it is. Like a sharp little needle stuck in there trying to make its presence known. So damn annoying.
I don’t know what it is exactly but it can’t possibly be the need of a human.
I know it can’t be a person because every person I’ve tried to fill that hole with has been fairly similar to the next. Almost as if it doesn’t matter who is filling the hole as long as the hole is filled.
Is that hole ever truly filled 100%? I think I’m starting to really question what loving one’s self is. They say if you love yourself you will never need somebody else to love you but that’s confusing to me and let me tell you why:
I love myself. I love my body, i love my face, the way i am passionate about the things i believe in, the way i love and fight for my family, the way i establish and accomplish goals, the way i accept things and consistently improve anything i touch. I love myself. I am in love with my myself in fact, so I wonder…
If a person’s true love is one’s self, why is there a hole in my heart that aches for the need of another?
Feeling feelings is a strange thing. Especially when you’re as emotional as me. I like to feel things to an extreme. If I’m happy, I’ll be ecstatic. If I’m mad, I’m slamming my hands on tables and clapping as I talk. If I’m sad, i cry and sit in the bathroom allowing the storm to pass. If I’m lonely, I feel it and I like to analyze. Hence why I’m writing this whole damn blog.
This is the first time in my life where I am truly, 100%, not talking to anybody. This is the first time I’m allowing myself to feel that hole in my heart.
It feels weird. Almost like i don’t really know what it’s supposed to feel like. Do i just sit here and be single till this feeling goes away? Do i avoid potential partners so that i can learn more about myself? Is this what being single truly feels like in the end?
I love myself, I do but this Dick Cleanse can not teach me more of the things i don’t know.
30 days. 30 more days to feel these feelings and sort out my heart.
No exes, no potentials, no distractions. Just me, my feelings and I.
Thank you for reading,
Stay tuned as I lose my mind. Or figure out my heart.