I don’t know why I find it so hard to be vulnerable. My whole life I have grown up guarded and shielded myself from anyone or anything who has gotten too close. Which is ironic considering that even though I have not guarded myself my whole life — I somehow always end up writing a whole blog entry about the things that hurt me because they came too close.
I mean — some guard is good, right? Don’t talk to strangers, don’t accept drinks from random dudes at bars (right lol), only tell your closest friends your secrets, take care of your heart. Ha. “Take care of your heart.”
What does that even mean? Can one truly love and feel the full potential of a relationship and all the wonderful things that come with it without putting any walls down? My best guess is a hard no. I mean, you are talking to the person who has literally said “I will put up with three months of emotional pain and suffering if it means I get to have him back for a day.” Jesus Christ. Masochist much? This is also the same mentality that allowed my ex to emotionally walk all over me for years “in the name of love.”
I guess my style of love is the kind of love that even though afraid to death of getting hurt — sees the potential in people and their ability to love. It’s quite funny to think about. Literally no one you know has had a perfect life. Nobody. So how do we expect these people who grew up in abusive homes, shielded from emotion, carriers of their parents’ pain to carry us over as well?
Love is a strange thing. I preach so much about self love and I do love myself but there are genuine days in which I do not understand myself. What do I want? Why am I crying? Why can’t I stop eating? Will I ever find love? Am I depressed? Why am I crying still? Lol…I could go on. Oh and the days before my period — don’t even get me started. The emotions intensify. To all this though, I have started to be kinder to my lover and taking the responsibility to make me happy away from them. If I cannot even figure out how I feel myself how could I ever expect a person who has their own struggles and feelings to figure me out? It’s impossible. It’s a process. It’s a work of art. It takes patience, strength, vulnerability. It takes love.
I love love. I love being in a relationship, I love being in love, I love the fact that someone who is completely a whole universe of emotions gets to carry my heart and care for it. If you’ve read my stuff before you know my relationships haven’t always worked out and every one of them brought a different kind of pain with it. Through them all though, I was vulnerable. I was wide open, ready to love and take love. I loved all my lovers with intensity and even though it came with pain I realized the kind of love I’m capable of. The kind of love that cries of happiness after orgasms, the kind of love that declares love through letters, the kind of love that leaves my lovers better than when I found them pretending to be dead.
I am an intense lover. I do not wish to stay in the shallow end. I want intensity, passion, love. “I crave a love so deep, the ocean would be jealous.” So when I say I find it hard to be vulnerable please allow me to rephrase: I do not find it hard to be vulnerable, I’m simply tired of opening up doors, putting down walls and exposing my bare skin to the hands of the wrong men. I am not afraid of being vulnerable — I am simply ready for someone to see my vulnerability, flaws and bare skin and stay.
May God only allow men with good intensions in my life from this moment on,