How many pieces of myself must I give up before I feel like I’ve given enough? I’ve tried being more quiet, more submissive, more “enough”, more of a ride or die, more of a “honey, whatever you want.” But God knows I’m allergic to bullshit and I can’t even fake cough.
It baffles me how some women can just say yes to all their partner’s desires and call that a life. I mean, I’m not hating but I guess I just don’t know what it’s like to believe in someone so blindly and true. How do you put so much faith in a human, in a moment, in a thought, in a chance? What happens when that person fails you? Do you just forgive and go back? I don’t think I was born with the ride-or-die gene but sometimes I wish I was.
In reality — who’s more stupid? The girl who constantly gets mistreated but has someone to call home, or the woman who takes no shit from no man and is all alone? And are those really our two only options?
I mean I’m definitely not writing this for you guys reading this to be like “OMG girl! Don’t worry! It’s out there! It’ll come!” Like please, if that’s your life advice please — save it. Because both you and I reading this know that love is real, love is beautiful, love is a fairytale but love is also rare. Not everyone finds it and so very many people settle because I guess in some cases that is better than being alone.
I have 9 aunts on my mom’s side. All which I love and adore and appreciate for sharing their lives with me. In all of their life stories you find love, strength, resilience and a whole lot of balls. In all 9 stories you have 4 divorces, 2 that have been physically abused, 4 that have been the other women, and 8 that have been cheated on. That 9th one I’m not sure. And these are just the family secrets their willing to share but the saddest thing is — I don’t think I can say any of them are truly in love. Two of them are still with their teenage love/first marriage but even then — I’m not sure you can call that love.
The older I get and the more I analyze my relationships, the people in my life and the way I interact, the more I am discovering (or in reality getting away from) the idea that “love” or that “fairy tale” ending truly exists. I don’t know who planted this idea in my mind that love solves all things negative and that one day it’ll all make sense when that person suddenly arrives. As I’ve gotten older and those “prince charming” characters have come and gone by — the more I realize that it’s not truly a thing I believe anymore.
Coming to this realization has been harsh. It’s almost like if you don’t find that person who you believe can do no harm in your late teens/early twenties you get so fucked over by temporary lovers that your window of opportunity to believe in magic gets smaller and smaller with every heartbreak and every passing lover that stops by. Every time, every person getting duller and duller and the pain and shock on your stomach getting more bearable and expected to come with the end. How fucking sad.
I mean, I don’t mean to sound depressing but I’m keeping it real here. I am done with temporary people and temporary things. Don’t hit me up, don’t text me, don’t even look my way. Dating is exhausting you guys. I have been a cry-baby-hopeless-romantic since I was in the womb. I love love but sometimes the bitter pill of “HOW ARE PEOPLE SO MEAN AND INCONSIDERATE?!?!” is hard to swallow. Hard as fuck. I’m aware I’ve done my fair share of things. I mean, of course — you read my blog so you know but god damn! It ain’t the same when it’s being done your way.
So, this is me. Stacey D., being Stacey D. No longer adjusting myself to be what I think people want me to be, no longer believing that I am not worth fighting for, staying for, chasing after. No longer giving opportunities to people who don’t make me feel like my heart is in my stomach and I can’t eat, sleep or think because they’re all up in my brain. No longer giving up things off my check list simply because “he’s cute enough and he seems like he’s good enough anyway.”
I know, I know. I said I was tired and that I no longer believe in that fairytale love but I mean — it’s gotta be out there right? It’s gotta be worth all the bullshit and pain? And yeah, no. Don’t come sliding in my DM talking about not giving up and how he’ll come someday. Lol. Writing your thoughts and feelings for the world to see is already embarrassing enough. Save your cat lady advice when I’m truly freaking out.
Today, we must go on anyway. You get what you settle for and I might not be a ride-or-die chick but I am a won’t-put-up-with-your-bullshit-but-I’ll-call-you-out-and-love-you-through-your-insecurities-anyway chick. And to me — that’s just as valuable in the end. Or to the right partner it will be. Loud, ratchet, cursing, obnoxious, needy and overprotective amongst many of my other qualities, it will be worth something to someone one day.
Thank you so much for reading you guys.
I love you all who accompany me through these thoughts.
Stay true to yourselves, don’t settle for a can’t-text-back dude and love ya MF selves.
With all my cry-baby-hopelessly-romantic ass self,