I would like to start this blog off by apologizing. I apologize to any woman I have ever called pretty, beautiful, sexy, hot. I apologize if I ever minimized everything you are to the simple way you look. I apologize if you feel like a man won’t love you if you don’t look a certain way, or if you’re not as worthy as the next girl because you don’t have a big ass, a tiny waist, full lips, a cute little nose. I apologize if you don’t like the color of your skin, the cellulite on your legs or the little hairs in all the places you don’t want them to be.
Most importantly, I apologize in advance in behalf of you — I apologize to you because at your lowest moments, you were worth everything this world has to offer and you still allowed yourself to feel ugly and to feel that because of the way you look on the outside — you did not deserve to be respected and loved.
Today I want to talk about self love. The root of all love. It is a little bit hard for me to be as transparent as possible about this topic because as many of you know I love my physical appearance. I love that I’m tall, fit, tanned, have a nice body to most of society’s standards. I understand that I am not what most of society tends to classify as “ugly” but know that as I write this — I come from a place of honesty and love.
As I’ve said it before, you will never be everyone’s cup of tea. Being in the public eye has definitely shown me that. Even when I consider myself my most attractive and I’m feeling hella fine — there is always a troll on my Instagram talking shit about how I look. These comments used to often hurt me because at some point I allowed a stranger’s opinion to hold any sort of value over my life. Because I am more muscular and taller than the average girl — the comments that have always stung a little deeper are the ones where people say I look “manly” or people have gone as far as to ask if I was a tranny. Now because this is my blog, I always try to stay as transparent as possible and I think all women (including transgender women) are beautiful but because I was born as a woman, it is something that has made me question the way I look. In moments of self doubt I have asked myself if people really think I’m a dude dressed as a woman and what I could ever do to make sure that comparison is not ever done again.
Should I get boobs? Should I change the way I do my make up? Should I stop lifting so heavy so I’m not as muscular? Should I not wear heels so I’m not taller than I already am? Should I change the way I look so random people on the internet don’t confuse me for a dude?
These are called insecurities. As confident as I am and as much as I love myself, even I have them. These insecurities are superficial and thankfully not buried very deep within but oh are they there and oh have they made me cry wishing I looked different before. I love the way I look and I am all for changing the things you don’t like about yourself but a big concern of mine is — what happens when you can’t change the way you look? What happens when there’s no plastic surgery to make me shorter? What happens when I have to sacrifice lifting so I don’t look muscular? What happens when I have gotten boobs, lips, hair extensions, lashes, nails and I’m still insecure that someone might still be an asshole and say something out of line?
What happens when you’ve changed all the things outside but your inside, your heart, still feels like you’re not good enough?
Hi you guys, name is Stacey D., and today I want to tell you that at your lowest, your ugliest, your saddest, at your worst — you are love. If you are reading this I want to invite you to look within. To look at yourself in the mirror right now and look at yourself in the eyes. What do you see? Are you kind? Are you honest? Are you smart? Do you cry when movies are sad? Do you say please and thank you? Do you sing in the shower? Do you eat ice cream in bed? Do you sing at the top of your lungs when you’re riding solo in your car? Do you read inspirational quotes looking for motivation to start your day? Do you drink coffee in the morning? Do you consider yourself to be happy? Do you know someone is always waiting for you to come home? Do yo know how many people love you just the way you are? Do you know that at your lowest, your, ugliest, your saddest — you are love?
When I was younger I used to think people would only romantically love me if I was beautiful on the outside. I used to believe the people I dated were only with me because of the way I looked or the things I did in bed. As I’ve gotten older and I’ve encountered beautiful souls in my life, I’ve started to shift my thinking. I am more than my body, I am more than my looks. I am more than a good lay, I am more than a pair of tits and a good ass.
As I’ve gotten older I’ve allowed myself to believe that the person who will end up loving me will love the little things about me. The way I am passionate about changing the world, the way I look when I just wake up, the way I get hyper when I’m tired, cranky when I’m hungry, the way I throw hands when I’m mad, the way I play fight, even the way I talk or walk.
As I’ve gotten older, along with becoming more beautiful on the outside I have allowed myself to become a woman of essence. I no longer believe I will leave a mark on people because of how beautiful I am on the outside, but I rather focus on carving a seat on people’s hearts. Allowing people to miss me not because of what I physically did for them but because they miss the conversations we had, the moments we shared, the little pieces of life where we laid on a couch and we talked about the future and the way we felt.
As I finish writing this, I want to invite you — reading this — to allow yourself to see yourself for all you are. The way you move, the way you talk, the way you always see the best in people no matter how many times they’ve fucked up. As I finish writing this — I want you to know that even when you feel your ugliest — you are still deserving of that undeniable, magical love. No amount of external beauty could ever match how beautiful, radiant and lovable you are on the inside and I promise one day — someone will see that. Even as I sit here typing these words to you, the fact that you have read this far along lets me know you are love because nothing in this life happens by coincidence and if you’re reading this it’s because it’s meant to be.
Thank you so much for reading and continuing to support everything I do. I love you guys for this beautiful support system we have created with one another.
Stay beautiful, stay kind.
With all my love,