Are men truly intimidated by strong, independent women or is that just another excuse ya’ll tell us to simply not be the men we need ya’ll to be? Hello, my name is Stacey D., and I need answers.
As many of you know — I’m currently 26-years-old. I’m Mexican and I’m also not married, never have been and I don’t have any children. As a culturally divided individual this is a hard place to be in because to my family, ya estoy quedada but to me and my gringo friends, I’m at the highlight of my twenties!
Today — I was sitting in my room talking to my mom about love and relationships when she suddenly said — “Stacey, eres un mujeron! A muchos hombres les intimida acercarce a una mujer tan fuerte e independiente como tu.” Which translates to basically this: Men are intimidated by how strong and independent you are and you should soften yourself unless you want to be alone with your dogs for the rest of your life. HAHA. My mother. Such a wise woman.
Unfortunately this is not the first time I’ve been told this before. I’m 5’10, I have defined muscles, tattoos, I have my own business, I openly talk about my dating life, I stand up straight when I walk, I look at people in the eye when I talk and I am never one to hold my tongue when I feel something is unfair. All these things which are so normal for me seem to be the characteristics which separate me and put me in the category of a “strong woman”. All these things according to other people are the reason why men are too afraid to date me. Unfortunately I can’t say I’m the only one this happens to. I am consistently surrounded by strong, powerful women who own their own businesses, have chosen their careers over having children, women who speak their mind, women who own their sexuality and aren’t afraid to step out of the norm so it makes me wonder…
Must we as strong women, soften ourselves and lose our edge in order to gain the love and respect of a man? Let’s talk about it.
Because I grew up deeply connected to my Mexican culture I must admit that I long to one day take care of my man (or woman). I want my partner to feel taken care of, supported, loved and safe whenever he’s with me. I want to create an environment where he feels like he can escape his troubles and just let go. I want to keep a clean house, I want to feed those I love, I want to have my people feel loved by the things I do for them. With all that being said, there is also a part of me that doesn’t know where the line is between taking care of my future man and allowing myself to get stepped on or taken advantage of by any asshole that comes by trying to date me.
I know for a fact we “strong women” have evolved to not be dependent on men because most of us have been failed by them before. We live in a generation where a lot of us come from homes where our fathers were not around. Myself included, my dad hasn’t been around since I was 13-years-old so I haven’t had a man take care of me since. Do I appreciate when a boyfriend/someone I’m dating takes me out, pays for my dinner, opens my car doors, lets me walk on the inside of the sidewalk? Yes but because I didn’t grow up with my father around through the developing stages of my teen years and my early 20’s I had a really hard time allowing anyone close enough to even give them the opportunity to take care of me.
I have been financially supporting myself since I was 16-years-old because the man of the house walked out. I have given shitty men the opportunity to spend time with me and waste my time because subconsciously I was looking to fulfill that emptiness left behind by my father. I am constantly trying to erase and relearn the image and expectations I have from all men because of the way my father first broke my heart. So when people ask me to soften my strong, to be more subtle, more soft, more submissive people have to understand that it is not me they are trying to tame. I remember one time I was in a fight leading to a break up with one of the dudes I dated when he literally told me: “I just can’t be with you because you’re too much. I feel like I have to compete with you all the time.” HA! Looking back at it now all I can think is what a little bitch he was and if he couldn’t handle me, imagine handling me and my future bad ass, strong, independent kids I’m gonna have.
I am strong because I grew up in a matriarchal household. From my strong grandmother who raised 13 children, was cheated on her whole life, was a slave for the love of my alcoholic grandpa, to all my 10 aunts, including my mother who have all been through things like being married, cheated on, beat by their partners, settled to be mistresses, who have not been given enough love. I grew up watching my mother work her ass off to raise three children all while doing the job that “the man of the house” is supposed to do. I am strong because my whole life I have been surrounded by women who can do it all so when you tell me I need to soften my strength — I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. I have been this way my whole life and I will continue to be strong, independent, capable, a force to be reckoned with because the type of man who asks me to be less, to become smaller, to not be so intimidating or independent is not the kind of man I want to be with.
I believe in a love and partnership which encourages me to be more. Together learning, supporting, encouraging each other to be more independent, more loving, more stern, more clear. The type of man who is intimidated by a woman like me is the type of man I have no business being with.
In my life I have seen women in all branches around me be let down by their partner, but in no way has that taken away from me the idea that true, genuine love exists. I am a single 26-year-old woman and I refuse to soften myself to make small minded men feel more powerful or capable. Not yesterday, not today, not ever. The person who is for me will accept me as I am. Powerful, outspoken, confident, bitchy, determined, bad-ass and all.
Since I believe in the Universe and I believe no thing happens as a coincidence, I believe you’re reading this for a reason. Maybe you too have been told you’re “too much” or your career, success and determination has scared all men away from you — but if you’re reading this I want you to know, you are perfect just the way you are.
We as women have been told our whole lives we need to be behind men, be more subtle, less than. Today I am telling you, you don’t. The man who is for you will see the independence in you and celebrate it. He will see your strength and see the arms of a woman that if needed, she could handle the whole world on her shoulders.
Let’s make a promise to be strong and soft. Independent and depended on. Powerful and loved for the perfectly imperfect creatures we are. As always I’ll close off saying thank you for reading. I am now working and writing for both my book and my blog so your patience and support is appreciated. I’d love to hear your opinion on this topic so feel free to come on my Instagram and talk!
I love you guys who love me! Y los que no, me la pelan.
Lol. Thank you for reading.
With all my strong, independent, powerful love,
Stacey MF D.