I swear to G I must hear this question at least every other day of my life. Currently 26, never been married, don’t got any kids and standing at 5’10/175 lbs of straight sexiness — trust me — it surprises me too.
I always grew up being a romantic. I’ve dreamed of my wedding since I was a little girl and I imagined someday finding a fine piece of ass that would fix the lightbulbs around the house, take the dogs out for walks and take the trash out every Sunday.
I mean — isn’t that what most girls dream of? Aren’t we supposed to be walking around on a random day when suddenly we’ll run into Mr. Perfect who’ll flash a smile and suddenly we’ll be Beyoncè singing Crazy In Love?
I don’t know man. I think it’s been way more complicated than that for me. I grew up in a home where both of my parents loved each other until one day, one of them didn’t and decided to cheat. Long story short, I was 13 at the time and was consciously aware of probably too much and way too involved in the divorce.
As I’ve grown older I can say I’ve been seriously in love one time. Every other relationship has been a hard earned learning experience at the expense of someone’s feelings and I’m starting to believe that at some point — love ain’t enough.
Relationships are hard. Half the time I don’t know what I wanna do with myself and now I gotta bring someone else into the equation and take their feelings, thoughts and concerns into consideration of what I wanna do with my life? Nope. Can’t have it. Won’t do it. It’ll take someone reaaaaaaal AF for me to go do all that.
Everyone always tells you that you need to learn how to be alone, to enjoy your own company, to take yourself out to eat or the movies but you guys, I legit think I took that and ran a whole damn marathon with it.
Looking back at the timeline of my love life I’ve realized that I have been single longer than I’ve been in happy relationships. Every time I was in a relationship I felt as if I wasn’t reaching my true potential and I was somehow “wasting my time.” HA! I mean that’s horrible to admit but, hey! I keep it real.
In hopes of some clarity and to keep things organized, here are the real, raw and honest reasons of why all my relationships haven’t worked out.
I will use real names because I think it’s appropriate in case some nosy exes wanna come snooping through my blog (Oh hey boo, long time no talk. Yes I’m good. No, no need to hmu to let me know you read this) and I will only list my “serious” relationships ( haha! if we dated and you didn’t make it on here don’t be mad).
Ok here we go:
LIST OF STACEY D’S EX-LOVERS:
18-years-old: Boob. Broke up because she was in the closet and wouldn’t come out to have a relationship with me. Can’t use real name because she is in fact still in the closet.
20-years-old: Slo. I got with her when I was in a real dark time in my life and she was a light of hope. I was never really physically attracted to her and I think to some degree she always knew that. Broke up with her because I still wanted to see other people.
23-years-old: Mike. Fucked me all the way up. First time being in stupid, crazy love. He was divorced with 2 kids and basically a whole damn college degree on life experience while I was a baby who still believed in fairy tale love and waiting on ex-lovers to show up unexpected with flowers at your door. After being on-and-off for years I finally broke up with him because he didn’t love me and it took me years and a hundred little jabs at my heart to realize that I would never find love in someone who was more broken and incapable of loving than me. Side note: one day I’ll write a whole damn blog on this because this was by far one of the hardest things I’ve had to do.
24-years-old: Anonymous. Can’t use real name because we still see each other and are now hella cool. Basically mixed work with pleasure. It started off as casual sex but if you’re reading this let me tell you something: GIRLS ARE NOT CAPABLE OF CASUAL SEX. STOP THE LIES 2017. Anyway…this was for sure a rebound after Mike. I tried turning a fuck buddy into a relationship and tried squeezing love out of someone who only saw me for my good looks and body. In this relationship (if you can call it that) I learned that when starting a new relationship — you have to be clear about your intentions. Someone will never love you just because you’re great in bed, have a great ass or can give the bombest head in the game. If you’re still reading this let me let you know: great sex does not equal great love.
25-years-old: Miguel. This one is especially hard for me to write about because we literally just broke up 4 months ago. I also feel like this deserves it’s own blog entry because guess what you guys? You should never be with someone just because they’re convenient to keep around, because they buy you nice things or because they treat you “how it’s supposed to be.” I broke up with Miguel because I wasn’t in love with him. I tried to fight my emotions of doubt, lack of passion and this unshakable feelings of settling until one day I. COULD. NOT. DO. IT. Till this day he is having a hard time with it so to ease his pain (because I’m sure he’ll find a way to read this) I will hold off on details.
I am now 26-years-old and I can say that I am in a place where I just don’t got time. Since breaking out of my last relationship, I have gone on a couple of dates, talked to several people, past the time with different tings trying to find myself through it all.
I’m not sure how healthy it is to be so self aware and in love with your solitude that you won’t even take the time to let somebody in but in a way — I can honestly say I am happy. My mid twenties have been a constant trial and error Sex And The City re-run and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I know when we’re little they tell us that everyone will find great, true, genuine love but I’m starting to believe it’s not in the way in which we’re always told. A lot of us will have great lovers, a lot of us will settle into comfort and call it love. A lot of us will spend the rest of our lives with someone who is convenient and hope one day it turns into love. A few of us will be honest with ourselves and admit to settling and even a farther few will actually spend the lonely nights that it takes to find love.
Because at 26 I’m starting to believe that love doesn’t live in someone else’s body anymore. I am starting to believe that I am worthy enough to give myself a real chance at stupid, crazy, head over heels love again and that I don’t need to be with just anyone to pass the time or to make the lonely nights go away. Not everybody will find true love and that is not because it’s not out there but because it’s already in them.
If you’re reading this here’s what I have to say: fuck a shitty relationship and fuck settling just because you’re lonely or bored. Life is way too beautiful, life is way too short.
if it ain’t true, genuine, let’s-make-eachother-grow love — it gotta go.
From now on when people ask me and you why we’re single here’s what we gotta say: BECAUSE I DON’T GOT TIME FOR THESE HOEEEEES.
Lol. Jk (kinda). From now on you stand your ground, feel the confidence run through your body and you say “because I love me too damn much” or if they’re a Stacey D fan you say: “Because Stacey D taught me.”
As always thank you for reading, don’t forget to always keep it 100 y lavense la cola.